


Stream of semi-consciousness

by pseudonoir



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5194496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudonoir/pseuds/pseudonoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Semi forms an unexpected friendship with an old High School rival through their mutual insomnia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a welcome threatening stir

Semi doesn't sleep easy, and 3 a.m.'s about the time his mind plunges into projections of the worst possible outcomes of all future events. He's dazed, yet racing, haphazard and restless as he turns to the window.  
  
Light spills from a single window at the opposite block.  
  
It's odd how the sight makes him ache for company. And he really hates the state he's in when he's straddling the line between alertness and exhaustion, especially when it has the habit of making him subject to the hour's lonely impulses. He hesitates, briefly, then reaches for his phone, and dials Tendou's number.  
  
"Eita?"  
  
"Satori, I can't sleep again." He hears the other yawn, and knows that he just woke him up.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Actually, I don't know what I'm doing. Go back to sleep."  
  
"Nah nah nah," In the background of his half-dazed assurance, he hears him shift in his sheets. "Talk to me, man."  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
"I told you to call me anytime."  
  
"You--"  
  
"And 'anytime' means anytime."  
  
"I-I don't know. I think it's stress or something."  
  
He's always had a bit of trouble turning his thoughts off, but with the easy honeymoon period of University matriculation quickly giving way to tight deadlines, overwhelming workloads, and the unsettledness of a new and unfamiliar environment, his sleeping patterns had taken an unexpected turn for the worse. Admittedly, he's had this problem in high school, nearing exams, competitions...it's been a long while since the last time, though. He almost forgot what it was like having the lights on this late, what it was like for his mind to drift to doubt, drift to depravity, drift to absolutely everywhere--  
  
_(Except to sleep.)_  
  
"Have you tried jacking off?"  
  
"Fuck. No."  
  
"Okay, are you in the mood to jack off?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Go lie down then. Just...just talk to me, until you're tired."  
  
He does as he's told.  
  
"Satori, the light's on."  
  
"Well, turn it off." Semi keeps his eye on the light on the opposite block.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why," A yawn. "Why not?"  
  
"That guy, from the next block. There's light coming from his window. He's up."  
  
Since he'd moved into the dormitories, from the frame of his windows, like a late-night picture-show, he'd watch the lights in the other block flicker off, one-by-one. Only one would remain, shining bright from a window two storeys above his own.   
  
"If I turned the lights off, I dunno."  
  
"Heh." Tendou chuckles tiredly. "Are you afraid of losing to him?"  
  
He ponders this.  
  
"Maybe I am."  
  
Silence  
  
"Satori?"  
  
He hears a snore from the other end of the line. He hangs up.   
  
Closing his live-wire eyes feels like an exercise in futility, so he instead shifts his gaze back to the window of his late-night companion. When he finally falls into a restless sleep two hours later, he dreams about him, and whether or not he ought to feel a sense of attachment to a remote stranger, when the only thing connecting them is the suspension bridge of insomniac light between their windows.  
  
\----------  
  
"Holy shit Eita!" Semi cringes away from the phone. Being friends with Tendou has built in him an immunity to loud volumes, but on 3 hours of sleep, everything is overstimulating.  
  
"What is it?"   
  
"I fell asleep."  
  
"You were tired." He sighs.  
  
"So are you!" Tendou protests. "I suck."  
  
"Geez Satori, it only took you 19 years to figure it out." He expects a quip in return, but his reply is unexpected.  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
Apologies sound so weird, coming from him. It's so uncanny, it's almost horrific - his fingers twitch, itching to pinch at his cheeks to check if it's reality.  
  
He rubs his eyes, sucks in breath.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"I'm just saying, I feel bad, okay?"  
  
_(I feel worse.)_  
  
"Hey, you know what would’ve helped me to fall asleep?...Hearing what you've been up to."  
  
He hears him laugh a bit, genuine. It comes as a relief.  
  
"Ouch, Eita, are you implying that the Tales of Tendou are...boring?"  
  
"I'm not even implying it; I'm telling you straight."   
  
An indignant gasp.  
  
"How dare you." Semi rolls his eyes. "But y'know what'll change your mind?" He smiles.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Listening to what I was up to this week. Shit, let me tell you--"  
  
He listens to Tendou relay the ever-urgent news of the movies he'd watched, the comics he'd read, and the guys he'd rubbed the wrong way. He wonders how he's managed to do so much in the time span between their catch-up calls. Then again, it's Tendou he's talking to.  
  
"Wrap it up Asshole, I gotta get to class."  
  
"Okay, okay, but Eita," he hesitates.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Really, are you all right?"  
  
He doesn't know the answer.  
  
"I guess?"  
  
"Hey, guessing is my game." He laughs a little. "But really, if things go South, you could always tell me, okay?"  
  
"Yeah..."   
  
But he doesn't feel okay as he hangs up.   
  
Recalling the few occasions he's opened up to Tendou, how close he'd come to straight up breaking down in front of him, uneasiness settles upon him. Despite his reassurance, he'd always come to regret exposing too much of himself to those close to him, for fear of pushing them away, for appearing too needy, too dependent.  
  
Looking himself in the mirror, he broadened his shoulders.  
  
A quiet thought festers into a resolution by evening - that he'd stop calling Tendou in the middle of the night.  
  
\-----  
  
He just resigns to it, gives up tossing and turning, and turns instead to the light - he keeps it on, and does what he can to occupy himself. He turns on the radio, channels his irritation to drumming fingers on his desk; or he revises his school work - when he has the energy. Though, it's pretty hard to keep focus when lethargy accumulates in your veins over consecutive restless nights.  
  
Interestingly, he wasn't completely alone.  
  
His neighbour from the opposite block kept his nightly vigil. His eyes wander to the light spilling from the ever-open window, and his stream of consciousness leads him to imaginations of who they were.  
  
Anonymous, faceless, it was curious, and strange how the silent presence of another soul awake at this hour brought him comfort. It made the agonized isolation of wide-eyed waking a little less...lonely.  
  
He knew nothing about them, save for the fact that they never seemed to go to bed before he did.   
  
He knew nothing about them, and wondered if that was something to be corrected.


	2. burden come to meet you

Two weeks later, he finds himself at a stranger's door at the dead of the night. He can hear the rationality protesting: 'You're not welcome. You're being ridiculous. You're lonely, and sad, and--'.  
  
A sharp urgency in his chest fires up his nerve endings, drowning out the noise. He knows he has to do this, to douse the crackling curiosity.   
  
Holding his breath, he knocks on the door.  
  
His ears pick up a recognizable voice coming from the inside. He blinks at the familiar face in front of him a few seconds later.  
  
"Oikawa?"  
  
"It's...Ushiwaka's friend." He has an eyebrow raised, a hand on his hip. "What a surprise."  
  
"I'm, uh..." There were many things he's imagined himself saying to his late-night companion if he'd meet him; but they'd all scurried away at the mildly intimidating sight of the former high school rival.  
  
"--am causing a disturbance at 2 in the morning?" Oikawa offered with a grin.   
  
Semi can tell that he hadn't just woken him up, and says so.  
  
"Oh? What makes you think I wasn't in the middle of some much-needed beauty sleep, Ushiwaka's friend?"  
  
"You're the only one-" He rushed. "Who stays up as late as I do?"  
  
At this, Oikawa looked a little startled.  
  
"You're the only one who has their lights on every night." He points toward his own room, amazed that his nerves haven't seized his fingers in a tremble. "I live in the block across; we're the only ones with the lights on at this hour."  
  
Something resembling recognition flashed across Oikawa's eyes.  
  
"Ahhh, so you live across from me, do you?" He nodded. "Okay, how...interesting. Do you want to come in?"  
  
"Okay, sure." He feels like a liar, because he's not sure what he's doing at all.  
  
"You've come here to find solace, I see. I think I understand, Ushiwaka's friend."  
  
"Semi." He offered a hand. Oikawa took it.  
  
"Semi...Eita?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"My memory serves me well, Eita-kun."  
  
"That makes one of us, Oikawa...?"  
  
"Tooru."  
  
"Tooru." He repeats to himself, cementing it into his memory. He wonders if his train of thought would pick up this newly acquired name, and, against his will, twist and turn it into something else.  
  
"You know, Eita," He gestures to his bed, and Semi removes his shoes to sit there. "I was beginning to wonder if you were challenging me."  
  
"Challenging you? To what?"  
  
"To who see who the worse insomniac is," He pulls up a chair. "Who'd stay up the longest, keep their light on the latest."  
  
"Oh," Semi answers simply. The other looks unsatisfied. "I was wondering the same."  
  
"Were you, though?" Oikawa watches him closely. "Were you issuing a challenge?"   
  
_(Is he interrogating me?)_  
  
"I don't know...I just couldn't sleep, and saw that I had company. It was comforting, but honestly, I was also afraid of losing to you."   
  
"Why were you afraid of that?"  
  
"I guess, if I fell asleep first, I would feel less entitled to complain about it. Knowing someone was having it worse than you feels a little bit like defeat...somehow."  
  
Oikawa chuckles. "This feels like High School all over again."  
  
"Does it?"  
  
"What do you hope to gain by coming to me, Eita?"  
  
"I--" That gaze was on him again. "Thought it'd be better to suffer together? Rather than suffer alone, I mean."  
  
_(Rather than suffer in silence--)_  
  
He's slightly taken aback when Oikawa's hand extends to cup his face. His thumb pulls on Semi's lower eyelid, and he leans in close to examine his eyes.  
  
"...Well, you're not drunk."  
  
"I don't drink." The distance is disquieting, so he leans away. "Stop examining me."  
  
Oikawa gives him a smile.  
  
"You're cuter than you were in high school, Eita."   
  
"Again, that makes one of us."  
  
"So bitter and blunt," He smirks. "Then again, what else did I expect from Ushiwaka's friend?"   
  
"Stop calling me that." He steps back as Semi gets off the bed, looks around the room.  
  
"You got any music here?" He tries to sound confident, shift the power to himself; but Oikawa's doesn't yield it to him.  
  
"We've only just met and you're making yourself at home."  
  
"Well, what else am I supposed to do? Keep getting questioned by you?"   
  
"Yes?" He puts his hands on his hips. "I let you into my room at this hour, at the risk of getting a warning from the dorm monitor. The least you could do is answer my queries."  
  
Semi sees him cross his arms, and his posture take on one of authority - his expression unrelenting. He knew it was an act, but it had a chilling conviction that he knew could not be moved.   
  
Sighing, he drops to the floor, defeated.  
  
"Fine." Where Oikawa was guarded and distrusting - Semi decided - he had to be open and honest.   
  
"Good." He appraised with a crooked grin, a tilt of his head.  
  
Oikawa seemed just as intimidating as he was back then - when they were younger, pettier, and when self-doubt hardly ever threw itself past the fringes of competitive volleyball.  
  
Yet, he found himself easing up, and the strong front he put up slowly slipped as time passed. He came to the realisation that it didn't matter what he thought of him, or how he saw him; not when Oikawa is not the least bit close to him, not when his approval wasn't pivotal to his self-esteem--   
  
_(not like Satori--)_  
  
In the end, he decided that he had nothing to fear, and nothing to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) The premise of out-competing and over-fixating over a fellow insomniac was inspired by Sa'at's short story, "Duel".  
> 2) The chapter titles are from [fire and the thud](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGlhSSP4nTk)  
> 3) This goes without saying but just to be clear: medication and illness is neither pretty nor romantic.


	3. the concentration continually breaks

He found himself trudging to Oikawa's room with increasing frequency.  
  
He'd let him in each time; hesitantly at first, and eventually, with haste.  
  
\-------------  
  
It became ingrained into his routine: fail to fall asleep, look toward the light from Oikawa's window beckon him, and walk over to his block to find him awake.  
  
They'd both be restless, both the only heated particles vibrating ceaselessly in a still, quiet night. He never really knew if it was good for either of them, both tired as they were, whether or not it was energetically favourable to buzz and bounce off each other excitably whenever they were in such close proximity.  
  
He never really cared.  
  
Not when Oikawa was talkatively, animatedly describing the functions he's learnt in class, the cunning in his voice at the offhanded remarks on clueless classmates, annoying teaching assistants. He'd get so lost in Oikawa's words that he couldn't even find his own - nodding quietly, listening in earnest.  
  
Sometimes, he'd bring his homework over - Oikawa would help him too. He was better with the details, he'd see things Semi couldn't - connect everything easily as though it were cross-stitch. Sometimes, he'd bring his radio over, or his albums. He tried not to re-asses everything in his collection through the reactions it got from Oikawa - the way he'd scrunch his nose at this band, or hide his enthusiasm for that one song.  
  
But there was a constancy in the nightly degradation from bright-eyed energy to bleary quiet. Oikawa seemed to dampen as the hours passed - like the bright clarity of spring skipping straight to an abrupt autumnal turnover - his expression tired, losing life, and he wasn't too sure if it was a trick of the eyes, but the brown of his hair seemed to turn the colour of dead leaves.   
  
It would remind him of what had drawn them together - the only two people constantly denied the solace of sleep, how quickly it drained the energy from ones veins, how it gave the nightmares no leeway, till it built up to a burst.   
  
\-------------------------  
  
There was a subtle shift in their relationship following the events of one night, though Semi couldn't quite pin it down.  
  
The catalyst is a phone call - it rings as he's finishing an essay. Oikawa peers at him from over his book as he answers it.  
  
“EITA.”   
  
“Satori.”  
  
“You know, I felt like something was off.”  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing much, except I realised,” Tendou starts. “You haven’t been calling me at night.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Don’t ‘oh’ me! Have you been sleeping right?” He pauses, then adds quickly. “And don’t lie to me, because I’d know. I have a...sixth sense.”  
  
“Okay?” He hears him sniff loudly.  
  
“I can smell your fear, Eita.”    
  
“What the hell are you--”  
  
“You know you don’t have to stop yourself from talking to me, right? I’d never think you’re a nuisance. Ever.”   
  
“I just didn’t want to disturb you too much. Honestly though, I’ve been fine.”  
  
“Okay.” He stops again. “Wait, are you hiding something?”  
  
“Um. No?”  
  
“Eita?”  
  
Oikawa laughs, bright, and loud.  
  
“Eita-kun, who’s that on the phone? Your mum?”  
  
“Who—wait,” Tendou’s voice drops. Semi rubs his temple in anticipation of the headache that was about to come.   
  
“Do my ears deceive me,” He asks slowly. “Or is that Oikawa fucking Tooru?”  
  
He forgot how loud Tendou’s voice could be, because said Oikawa fucking Tooru hears him clearly.  
  
“The one and only.” Oikawa answers.  
  
“EITA.”  
  
“Satori, listen—”  
  
“What’re you doing with Oikawa at two in the morning? Wait,” His voice takes on a conspirational tone. “…Or are you, like... _doing_...Oikawa...at two in the morning.”  
  
“Oh my God. Satori--” He’s interrupted by Oikawa’s raucous laughing fit.   
  
“Listen.”  
  
“What the fuck, Eita, so you stopped coming to me the moment you’re coming to him!? Or, coming...with him...” A flush creeps up Semi’s neck. “I thought I was your bro! Bros before--”  
  
“Satori, I will run back to Miyagi this fucking instant to slap the god damn shit out of you if you don’t listen to me.” He leaves no room for argument.   
  
“It’s a long story, but you remember the guy who keeps his lights on late? Turned out to be Tooru.”  
  
"T-Tooru!?" Tendou sputters at the use of his first name, and he almost interjects if Semi hadn’t continued.  
  
“So I’ve been going over to his place, since we’re the only ones with a tendency to be up this late.” Irritated, he casts Oikawa a glare – he’s still rolling on the floor, a hand over his mouth to stifle the giggles.  
  
“I stopped calling you at night because there was no need to bother you when I was being bothered by Tooru – that’s the long and short of it, okay? I didn’t betray you or anything.”  
  
“I’m still reeling in shock, to be honest. Holy shit.” He tries to picture it. “You, friends with Oikawa? This is gonna take a while to process.”  
  
“With you, it takes more than a while to process everything.”  
  
“Oi, I’m not some dumbass, dumbass.”  
  
“You are. And it’s too late in the god damn night for this.”  
  
“Too late? Bro, it’s too late for you to be dropping bombs like this on me! What’ll the team say when they hear about this--”  
  
“You are not telling them anything.”  
  
“But why!? How about this--”  
  
“No.” Oikawa, having recovered, began attempts to press his ear to the receiver for a better listen, much to Semi’s chagrin.  
  
“Okay, it’ll be our secret," Tendou relents. "But you have to tell me everything from now on, 'kay? Jeez, how did you get all cosy with Oikawa fuc-” He stops himself this time. “—Tooru, and not tell me - your number one confidante?”  
  
“Because I knew you’d freak out and be embarrassing like this.” He sighs. “But yeah, I’ll give you all the dirty details, but right now, I need to get back to this essay I was bullshitting. I'll call you tomorrow.”  
  
“I’ll hold you to it. Goodnight, Eita!”  
  
“Night, asshole.” He hangs up and sighs in relief. The peace is short-lived.  
  
"So, _Eita_ ," Oikawa drawls.   
  
"Not now."  
  
"You didn't tell me you had an overly-possessive boyfriend." Semi holds back a scowl.  
  
"He's not--"  
  
"Tendou...he was the one with the freakish blocks, wasn't he? You stopped calling him every night when you started coming to me?"  
  
"He's not my boyfriend."  
  
"Also, you were telling him about the handsome mysterious sleepless stranger before we even met?"  
  
"Hey, I already told you that I'd notice your light on. It's pretty hard to miss."  
  
"Yeah, but you actually told your boyfriend everything?"  
  
"Why do you keep referring to him as--"  
  
"And then stopped talking to him, and used me as a replacement for your boyfriend?"  
  
"It's nothing like that!"  
  
Oikawa seemed to be taking sadistic joy at picking him apart, and the bastard didn't even try to hide it. He wondered if they were even friends at this point.  
  
"Then, what _is_ it like, Eita?"  
  
"We're on the same boat, you should know what it's like." He replies evenly. "I had too much shit on my mind, on top of sleeping problems, and he's the only one I could turn to. You have someone like that, don't you?"  
  
Oikawa doesn't react, so he continues.  
  
"I stopped calling him late at night because I was afraid I was letting out _too much_ , you know?   
  
_(Please, please tell me you know.)_  
  
"Like, if I showed too much, dumped too much shit on him, it'd get ugly, I'd push him away. But he doesn't deserve that, and he's too important to me, you know?"  
  
_(Please--)_  
  
"Yeah, I do know." Oikawa says with a deflated sigh. But his fingers quickly sweep his hair back.  
  
"Hmph. I thought there was more to you, but you're just as a - no, even more of a loser than me."   
  
"Did you just call yourself a loser?"  
  
"...don't you have an essay to finish?"  
  
There was a subtle shift in their relationship following that night, and Semi realizes that the night's dialogue had demolished any remaining barriers between them.  
  
\--------------  
  
Sometimes, he wonders if the mutual understanding between them was beneficial; that they were both afraid of alienating their favourite people, and were leaning against each other to redirect that pushing force.  
  
On occasion, he'd drift into Oikawa's bathroom as he was washing up. He thinks that maybe he's coming off a bit desperate, a bit pathetic - ceaselessly gravitating towards his companion, that even the courtesy of a moment's privacy was something he couldn't give. But Oikawa didn't seem to mind.  
  
He looks at Oikawa's reflection, then at his face. He thinks about how one can never look at himself the exact same way others see him - that even the mirror's reflection is an inversion of the self. He wonders--  
  
_(If he knows how sad, how gorgeous he looks)_  
  
\--If Oikawa sees him in a good light.  
  
_(If it matters.)_  
  
He wonders how Oikawa's bottle of benzos blend so easily into his cosmetics, his haircare products, lined in an unassuming row by the bathroom sink. It didn’t take long to realise that they were all a part of his performance, his stage make-up. Oikawa's persona, he thought, wasn't all that different from Performance Art; and on nights like this, he felt like the only soul in the world with backstage access.  
  
A few days later, he wonders how he let his spare toothbrush migrate to Oikawa's bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter might take anywhere from a week to a month lol sorry school's busy.  
> idk where things are headed yet, but when things seem rosy, they can only go South from there. so. yeah..  
> leave a comment ! :)


	4. there's a sharpened explanation

The solace was comforting, but even an empathetic presence cannot erase the insomniac lines under their eyes.  
  
This night, both feel particularly irritable. Looking at Oikawa bent over his desk, furious, frustrated problem-solving, he was sure he would burn himself out.  
  
"Tooru."  
  
"Busy."  
  
"Don't overdo it."  
  
"Wow, I've never heard that before." He says wryly.  
  
He didn't have the patience to argue.

 

* * *

  
  
The following night, alone in Oikawa's room, Semi glances worriedly at the clock.  
  
It's almost midnight. His volleyball gear is gone, so he knows he went to practice, but his team should've wrapped up 2 hours ago. His pen pauses, he grips his phone tighter; it feels useless, given his calls are ignored.  
  
_Where are you?_  
  
His shoulders sag in relief when he hears footsteps hurrying up to the door, and the tinkling of keys.  
  
He straightens up again in alarm when the door swings open, revealing a frantic Iwaizumi. Both freeze.  
  
"Oh, I thought this was Oikawa's room." Iwaizumi starts.   
  
"Yeah, it is." Semi stands up. "Where is he?"  
  
"Wait-" His eyes widen in realization, and can't help but point at him. "Semi from Shiratori!"  
  
"And you were Seijou's ace." He steps forward impatiently. There's no time for formalities. "Where's Oikawa?"  
  
"What are you doing here?" He looks around, recognizing Oikawa's stuff.  
  
"Waiting for him. Where is he?"  
  
"...A &E."   
  
Semi's heart plunges to his stomach.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He collapsed at practice. Our friend called me to the hospital. He's fine but they want to monitor things for one night. I'm stopping by to pick up his clothes."  
  
"Oh my God." Semi pales with worry. "Okay, I'll grab his bag."

 

* * *

  
  
Oikawa is asleep when they drop his things by the bed, and they didn't have long before a nurse shoos them away - visitors weren't allowed to linger this late. They did manage to ask about him, and what lead to the incident - stress, exhaustion, overwork. Iwaizumi furrows his brow, seems to contemplate something.   
  
And so they trudge to the station, catching the last train home. Alone in the carriage, they begin to speak.  
  
"Do you live in Tokyo, Iwaizumi-san?"  
  
"My aunt does. I'm staying with her 'cause I go to Tama Tech," That's an hour from Chuo, where he and Oikawa were enrolled. They also had a respectable volleyball team - he wouldn't be surprised if Iwaizumi had been scouted. "What about you? Do you live here, or do you just break into student dorms on a regular basis?" He manages to joke, despite his earlier tension.  
  
"I go to Chuo."  
  
"You still do volleyball?"  
  
"Yeah, but I'm on a separate reserve team and play in a different, lower division," He frowns. "It's partly due to skill, but mostly because of my grades - I need to pull them up to make the cut for the regular team. I guess I just have to focus on studying right now." He sheepishly admits.   
  
"That sucks. No wonder I never saw you at friendly matches."  
  
"So you still see Oikawa often?"  
  
"I guess - though, probably not enough, since he's overworking himself again. Seriously, can't that guy ever take care of himself?" Iwaizumi's words are accusatory, but Semi senses that he blames himself for his friend's condition.  
  
A considerable silence passed between them before his newfound companion spoke again.  
  
"So how did you get to know Oikawa if you guys aren't playing on the same team?"  
  
How does one begin describing an unusual obsession for the light streaming out from a neighbour's window?  
  
"We're mutual insomniacs, I guess," Iwaizumi quirks a brow. "We're both always up late, so we hang out."  
  
"Ah, I didn't wanna say anything about your eye bags but now that you mention it-" Semi smiles tiredly. "So, you're friends?"  
  
Semi has asked himself that same question too many times before. Who was he to Oikawa?  
  
"Yeah, we're friends."  
  
"Bastard," Semi looks startled. "Oikawa I mean - he never mentioned being friendly with someone from Shiratorizawa. Seems like news to me, but he never tells anyone anything."  
  
Semi bites his lip with slight worry. It seems true now, recalling the nights where he'd tell the other everything, without the other opening up as much. It felt like the barriers between them had been taken down - or so he thought - but how much more was Oikawa hiding? He did bear witness to the ugliness of his nightly insomnia, but this was the first time it hit him how much was going on in Oikawa's life during the day.  
  
(And how there were people he was close, no, _closer_ to.)  
  
"He never told me much about his other friends too. I guess he's more private than I thought."  
  
"Yeah," Iwaizumi seemed to reflect on something. "Honestly, I tried distancing myself from him after high school because I didn't want us to be so codependent. I didn't think he'd actually be this hopeless, that he'd actually need to be reminded how functional humans take care of themselves."  
  
This new information sparked more unwelcome speculation at the back of his mind: was Oikawa bitter about being pushed away? Did he seem to dodge Semi's questions about his Seijou team mates because their relationship was strained?   
  
"Your stop's next," Iwaizumi points out, snapping him back to alertness. "See you."  
  
His mind was preoccupied as he waved goodbye; "Codependent" was the word he used - it gave Semi a sinking feeling.  
  
_Is that my relationship to Tooru?_

 

* * *

  
  
  
"Put your damn phone down and get your dumb ass to bed."  
  
Oikawa pouts.  
  
"Really Iwa-chan, I haven't seen you in weeks and this is how you want us to hang out? By role-playing as my mother?"  
  
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes.  
  
"Uh, I guess I should be leaving." Semi had only just walked in.  
  
"No Eita-kun,he's just overreacting."  
  
"You were just hospitalized, for fuck's sake. Can you let your body get enough rest for once?"  
  
Semi shifts uncomfortably, unsure if he should say anything. Oikawa looks fine since his discharge, but still tired nevertheless.  
  
"I had a dream last night in the hospital."  
  
"What?" Iwaizumi asks incredulously. Oikawa looks out the window, to Semi's block.  
  
"The lights went off one by one till only Eita-kun's was left. It was like...a memory of the first time I realized I wasn't alone. But eventually, he went to bed too. It looked so dark outside, like the the blackness could've swallowed me whole."  
  
Semi looked at Iwaizumi, and they shared a same concerned, disbelieving look. When has Oikawa ever spoken about something so morbid, so openly like this?  
  
"Anyway, I'm telling you this because I woke up with a 'GUH!' and the patient next to me got a fright and spat out his dentures." Oikawa snorted at the memory.  
  
Iwaizumi rubbed his temples. Semi sighed.  
  
"Remember what happened in 3rd year when you overworked yourself?" Iwaizumi asked softly. Oikawa looked annoyed. "Please, at least _try_  to fix your sleep problems, okay?"  
  
"Geez, you're really stubborn, Iwa-chan, no good negotiating with you." Oikawa resigns. He puts his phone down on his desk after setting an alarm, and flops to the bed dramatically. "Happy?"  
  
Iwaizumi turns off the light as he and Semi leave the room.  
  
"Good night, asshole."

 

* * *

  
  
Semi has to admit, Iwaizumi is right.   
  
His persistent reminders and phone calls has Oikawa gradually trying to sleeping early. He still spent long nights lying awake, looking up at the ceiling that blurred and morphed in his restless disorientation. Nevertheless, the lights were going off earlier.   
  
He'd never see Tooru around school in the day. And so the gradual cessation of their nightly meetings meant he hardly saw him at all. It didn't really occur to Semi that they were...co-dependent till Iwaizumi used the word (albeit not on them). It became more apparent as Tooru got better.  
  
There were nights Semi knocked on Tooru's door at 2 a.m., to no reply.  
  
He didn't know why, but his heart sank in the pit of his ribcage every time it happened.   
  
He'd trudge back to his own room, fingers lingering on the light switch, but feeling an odd, stubborn refusal to go to bed. He'd pace restlessly fidget with his pens till dawn softly rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stopped following haikyuu + been out of touch w these characters + haven't written in forever, but ur comments made me wanna finish this fic at the very least!
> 
> sorry the style and pacing is different now, it's been like 2 yrs


	5. If it's true you're gonna run away...

"I ran into Dr. Ishiguro yesterday," Tendou recalls. He and Semi are strolling to the train station after visiting their old high school to spectate a friendly match.  
  
"How's he?" Semi hasn't thought about the doctor in a long time.  
  
"Okay. Asked me if you're alright. Says he referred you to a specialist near your campus, but you haven't gotten back to him," Tendou turns to look at him.  
  
"Well, I haven't been keeping appointments," Semi admits. "I haven't _made_  any, to be honest."  
  
"I see," Tendou doesn't say anything. They walk on in silence for a few unbearable minutes.   
  
"Are you judging me?" Semi asks.  
  
"No." Tendou offers. He looks straight ahead.  
  
"Good," Semi snaps. "The last thing I need is your pity."  
  
Tendou stiffens but walks on. The air feels considerably colder, and Semi moodily looks to the ground in silence. His thoughts turn to Oikawa, and how he should really be trying to get better like him. Had the two of them been enabling each other's bad behaviour all those nights they spent together? But he felt so warm and oddly at home in the other's company, while the rest of the world was quiet around them. Like lone stars gravitating towards each other, bright, and brilliant - but were they really just, burning each other out?  
  
Seems like it. The moment they stopped hanging out, Oikawa's problems seem to recede. He'd moved on, and left him behind.  
  
"Semi Semi?" Tendou gulps as they walk into the fluorescent white glow of the station's lights. "I don't pity you, but you know...sometimes... you're kinda hard on yourself. I just wonder if you're okay."  
  
Semi's mind is too fragmented to respond, and his heart is too scrambled to know how to feel. What the hell was that force tugging his heart into a dark place, keeping him from opening up to his friends, from wanting to get better?  
  
His phone buzzes in his pocket.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Eita-kun! Come over and watch the videos of yesterday's volleyball match. Number 14 shifts between the first and second division teams so you might run into him. Iwaizumi brought the tapes and --"  
  
"Sorry I'm out." He quickly hangs up. Tendou whistles lowly.  
  
"Ouch, that's cold. Was it Oikawa?"  
  
One of the thoughts that had germinated, shifted, and formed in his mind while half awake was this: he found comfort in Oikawa that he couldn't completely find in Tendou precisely because he knew what he was going through. Tendou wasn't to blame, but as much as he sympathized, he didn't know what it felt like, and Semi didn't want to burden Tendou with his shit, didn't want to look weak. He couldn't stand the pity in his gaze. Oikawa's was different, he looked at him in...understanding. It felt like he lost the only person who knew, who _l_ _ived_  his burden. It was selfish, and he knew it, and he hated himself more for realizing it, and not wanting to change.  
  
"Why so quiet?" His friend enquires.  
  
Semi looks Tendou in the eye.  
  
"Don't worry about me."  


* * *

  
Oikawa's leaning against his door when he returns. He's surprised; he may have went to Oikawa's often, but the latter seemed too aloof to actually seek other people out.  
  
"Do you know what time it is, young man?" Oikawa jokes.  
  
"Why're you here?" He pushes him aside to unlock the door.  
  
"Tsk, no need to be rude you uncouth delinquent," Oikawa follows him inside and shuts the door before he can protest. "Why're you avoiding me?"  
  
_You're the one who abandoned me._  
  
He shakes his head. "I'm not. I was back at Shiratorizawa."  
  
"I didn't mean today. You've been weird in general."  
  
He threw Oikawa a look that told him he didn't want to deal with this. The other just sauntered up to him and grab his chin.  
  
"You look like shit." He says, scanning his face. He hesitates, looks like he's contemplating something, almost wanting to lean in. But Semi breaks away, frustrated.  
  
"You really wanna know why I'm staying away from you?" He seethes. "I'm a bad influence, okay?"  
  
Oikawa blinks back, genuinely stunned.  
  
"I thought we were helping each other cope, but I was wrong. Look at how much better you are now."  
  
"I...who says I'm better?" Oikawa holds his gaze. "I'm not miraculously cured or anything, I'm still trying. And I don't know why it's so hard for you to imagine, but I've been worried sick about you."   
  
Semi was hurt, confused, and conflicted. He didn't mean to burst, and he didn't want to hurt anyone else any more.  
  
"Eita...what the hell are we?" Oikawa asks.  
  
"...what?"  
  
"Why did you come into my room night after night? And why did I let you in each time?" He opened his mouth to answer, but found no words.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Look, you were getting better taking Iwaizumi's advice and I'm just...not as good as getting better and you'll just fall back into the same bad habits if you fall back in sync with me." He was dizzy, and the lights were much too bright. It felt like there were thorny stems winding up his throat, like his chest was full of broken glass.  
  
"Please, just go."  
  
Oikawa bore no trace of stubbornness for once. He turned on his heel and left.  
  
Semi was left alone with the hammering of his heart and the ache in his head.  


* * *

  
He receives an unexpected visitor next week in the form of Iwaizumi Hajime.  
  
He knows he shouldn't stare, it isn't healthy, but he can't help but notice when Oikawa's lights go off. A few minutes later, there's a knock on his door.   
  
"What are you doing here?" Semi croaks. His voice his hoarser than expected.   
  
"Visiting Oikawa," Iwaizumi removes his sneakers and walks in. "He seemed worried about you earlier this week, but kept avoiding the subject today. Something up?"  
  
He looks around the room, and Semi feels self-conscious of the dirty laundry and course materials spilling out from under the bed. He goes to sit on the bed, kicking the stray jerseys back under it.   
  
"I guess we fought but it's fine."   
  
"About what?"  
  
Iwaizumi frowns at Semi's silence. He seemed to be thinking hard about something, brows furrowing in worry. He suddenly wonders if he's intruding on something he shouldn't.  
  
"Forget it, you don't have to tell me. Hope you two sort it out?" Iwaizumi wonders if he should leave, but Semi suddenly speaks.  
  
"Is he okay?"  
  
"Oikawa?" Iwaizumi contemplates. "Other than being paggro when I asked about you, he's his usual self."   
  
The expression on Semi's face is undecipherable, but somewhat distressing. He's seen looks like this in Oikawa before - the two of them really need to stop bottling things up, he thinks. It prompts Iwaizumi to approach him slowly, sit down next to him and touch his arm.  
  
"What about you? You good?" His hand is reassuring, and Semi finds himself relaxing somewhat.   
  
"Yeah," he lies, though he lets one thing slip "I kind of miss Tendou."  
  
_What am I saying to him?_  
  
"My friend in Miyagi."   
  
"Yeah, I remember him," Iwaizumi puts a hand on his shoulder - it's oddly comforting. "Being homesick is normal."  
  
The warmth radiating from the palm on his shoulder soothed him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd made substantial contact with another person -  
  
(Tooru leaning against him, back-to-back, while rock rolled forth from the radio)  
  
-and realized how long he'd isolated himself from everyone.  
  
Maybe it's the heat obscuring his vision, the wave of emotions blurring his judgement, but he's suddenly compelled to lean into the other, to meet his lips. He might've been surprised, but Semi wouldn't know with the heavy lids over his eyes. Iwaizumi eventually responds though, and Semi grabs his collar to kiss him more fully. As his partner gets more into it, he feels hands move down to his waist, go under his shirt to palm his back all the way up to his shoulder blades and down again. Heat flushes up his neck when he feels the firmness of the chest against his own.  
  
A hand moves through his soft hair and grips it firmly, holding his head back to expose his neck as the other moves his mouth against it. He's eventually pushed down into the bed, and lets out a low groan when the other grinds their hips against each other.  
  
"Iwa..uh! izumi..."   
  
"Your voice is pretty as you." He praises softly.   
  
His head is swimming, it's too warm, too humid. His chest hurts, his groin aches, he wants to cry out.  
  
(Tooru, have you been crying?)  
  
When Iwaizumi pushes his shirt over his head and touches him, he tries to focus on the man before him, bestowing pleasure on him. But the moment he closes his eyes, behind his lids, from the darkness resembling night --  
  
(Eita-kun, look at me.)  
  
\-- he sees the light spilling from Tooru's open window.  
  
"Stop," He groans. It's too soft to get his attention, so he says it more resolutely.  
  
"Iwaizumi, stop."  
  
The other pauses and looks up. "What?"  
  
"I can't. I'm sorry." He sits up, dazed. Why the hell had he been thinking about Tooru? He feels naked, overexposed and puts his face in his hands and stays there, unmoving.  
  
He feels the bed shift as Iwaizumi gets off him, feels that hand on his shoulder again. He regrets looking up at him when he catches the same concerned expression Tendou often gives.  
  
"It was an impulse, I'm," Semi tries to explain but feels his voice wavering. "I shouldn't have kissed you."  
  
"What do you want?" He gently enquires.  
  
"I don't know," Semi looks away.  
  
"Do you want me to stay?"  
  
He feels sick at the thought of it, so he says no and turns to face the wall.   
  
Iwaizumi reluctantly, but obediently, moves away. He silently dresses, throws him a last lingering look, and leaves.  
  
The light stays on for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if it seems very random, was trying to convey that when driven to a corner or in a bad place, we might become unhealthily reckless, impulsive and senseless. but if their actions in this chp was just too sporadic to be convincing let me know? 
> 
> currently working out how to resolve this in the next chapter, which will be the last


	6. ...Tell me where. I'll meet you there.

[Semi-kun wru? Training's starting.]  
  
[listen SemiSemi, u wldn't watch ne horror movies, or read ne of my comix, n u hvn't been keeping up w/ e Tales of Tendou(TM). this is just Appalling. call me when ur ready for an earful.]  
  
[iwaizumi here, got your no. from a friend. anyway I'm sorry too. you said you acted on impulse but I shouldn't have obliged. i should've known you weren't really in a good place to decide on things like that. you were really upset when i left, LMK you're ok?]  


* * *

  
  
He's sunk to a new low, and it takes longer than usual for him to decide that he should at least make _some_  attempt at amends. Of course, disciplining himself won't be easy when he's slowed his groove down by this much. But hey, he's survived worse (i.e. competitive high school volleyball training) - or so he tells himself.  
  
He does the bare minimum first. He goes to class and gets through the day, and lets his friends know he's alive:

  
  
[hi captain - was sick. I'll be there next mon]  
  
[convos w/ u is a horror flick in itself. i'll call tmr.]  
  
[its ok, we both screwed up]

  
  
A few consecutive nights of insomnia has him struggling to clean up his room to kill his time and energy. He's so fucking exhausted, and it accumulates to the end of each week.  
  
One night, he doesn't know what compels him to put on his jacket, and walk across to the next block, but he does. He knew that the lights were definitely off - he still can't help but notice that detail.   
  
When he faces Tooru's door - the one that's shut him out so much recently, though its opened to him so many times before - his stomach curls with sour fear and regret. His head felt heavy, like his brain was half functioning and detached from his body - a body that felt less and less like his. He suddenly recalled something he'd read somewhere: driving while sleep-deprived is just as dangerous as driving drunk. His skin prickles with nerves.  
  
_What am I supposed to do?_  
  
He must be asleep by now - the lights are off. So why is he raising his fist to knock on the door? Perhaps a small flame of hope persisted in the lantern of his weary chest.  
  
A memory replays itself from the night he made a move on Iwaizumi. He was good - yet the thought of their mutual friend rooted itself deep into his consciousness. He remembers seeing Tooru's light in the darkness, and remembers hearing his voice in the silence.  
  
He thinks he hears the patter of Tooru's feet once again in the stillness of the hallway, but it turns out to be real when the door is opened.  
  
Framed by the darkness of the room, there he stood at the doorway. The tousled hair suggested he had just got out of bed, but his eyes were alert.  
  
"Eita."  
  
"...Can I come in?"  
  
His shoulders seem to lose some tension as he steps aside. Semi reaches for the light switch, but Oikawa knocks his hand away.  
  
"Leave it off."  
  
He notices that the window's open, and he goes to sit on the floor where the moonlight hits. Oikawa stands in front of him and crosses his arms.  
  
"Finally decided to show your damn face?"  
  
"How'd you hear me knocking? I thought you'd be asleep."  
  
"I wasn't. I've said before: what makes you think I'm 100% better?" He turns his head to the window. "Sometimes I look outside when I can't sleep. Happened to see you walk over."  
  
Oikawa's eyes were sharp - he felt watched sometimes, and a worrying realization popped into his head. Could he look into Semi's room?  
  
"I might owe you several apologies."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"I think I enabled your insomnia. And then I thought I lost you when you were showing improvement."  
  
"Yeah?" Oikawa answers sparsely, bitterly.   
  
"But I was losing you because I was pushing you away. I didn't want to see you anymore." He still feels...detached. He isn't used to the dark. His own voice feels muted, like he is deep underwater. The flame in his chest flickers weakly, and he senses that it's about to be doused.   
  
Perhaps, it was the unreality, the half-lucid feeling that this was a dream that made him lose his inhibition and spill his morally weighty sorrows.  
  
"I fucked around with Iwaizumi."   
  
Oikawa's eyes widen a bit.  
  
"He came in to check if I was okay, and I just..." He trails off, head swimming, not knowing how to continue. "We didn't get far."  
  
Oikawa's expression is unreadable, but walks over to the window and rests his hands on the sill, leaning on it. His tall figure blocks the moonlight.  
  
"Yeah, I thought something like that happened." Oikawa sighs, suspicions confirmed. He seemed to glance in the direction of Semi's window.  
  
"You guys, you're not together right?" He asks Oikawa somewhat nervously.  
  
"No," he replies. "If we were you'd be dead by now."   
  
In his semi-delirium, he laughs lightly at that - he can't help it.  
  
"Do you like him?"  
  
"I've been there, and I love him, but not that way." Oikawa replies. He turns around, looks down at him as the moonbeams frame his figure. "I was starting to like _you_  though... you know, before you decided you couldn't stand to see me."  
  
Semi's eyes are blank as he processes this. His lips move, but he bites them down. Oikawa's shoulders shag and he walks past his companion - still on the floor - and moves to sit on the bed behind him.   
  
Perhaps it was a trick of the eyes in the dimness of the room, but he sees the other's shoulders tremble slightly, so he pulls him back to lean against the bed, runs his hands through his light hair soothingly.  
  
"Your hair's always a mess."  
  
He occupies himself with the task of smoothing it out meticulously. The room is quiet until Semi speaks up:  
  
"Sometimes, I'm afraid of getting better - to lose the only thing tying me to you."  
  
Oikawa considers this - hands still moving through that mop of hair. They'd only seek each other out when the sleepless hours drew themselves out deep into the night. Those were the circumstances of their relationship. He somehow recalls something from a lifetime ago - back when the only space they shared was a volleyball court. Oikawa didn't fully recognize Semi the first time he came to his dorm. But after getting to know him, he realized who he was. (Mindlessly, Oikawa's hand moves from scalp to forehead, tracing the line of Semi's jaw, stroking his cheek.) He recalled rumours of a 3rd year Shiratorizawa setter losing his starting position to a 2nd year. The deciding factor had allegedly been the latter's willingness to completely serve and utilize the ace - something the ambitious and self-reliant 3rd year had been unable to do. A setter who wanted to use his own skill and all his team mates sounded a lot like himself. Hearing that rumour in his 3rd year, and actually seeing Semi in action on the court (the pinch server's service aces rivaled his own) was the first time he realized: that would've been him if he'd gone to Shiratorizawa.   
  
_Eita-kun, insomnia isn't the only thing we share. We have a lot more in common than you think._  
  
What pulls him out of his reverie is the feeling of wetness against his fingertips.  
  
_Oh God, he's crying._  
  
  
Oikawa's performance of detachment is expelled with a tired sigh. He pulls him up to sit on the bed, and envelopes him in his arms. Semi doesn't make a sound even as hot tears roll down his face, soaking Oikawa's shirt.  
  
"Sometimes, I wish I had you in the daytime as well." His voice is hoarse and strained, it makes Oikawa's heart ache in an odd way.  
  
_This is so unfair, haven't you hurt me enough?_  
  
"Did you know, after my very last high school match, Ushiwaka came up to me and implied that I should have gone to Shiratorizawa."  
  
Semi shakes his head.  
  
"Well looking at you, I was glad I didn't."  
  
"What," he finds it in himself to laugh a little. "You don't want to be team mates?"  
  
"No. We both want to use our own heads, to bring out the best in each player. You lost to that 2nd year because he did what you wouldn't - he only served the ace."  
  
"What are you saying?" His vision is still blurred from tears, but he's listening.  
  
"I play just like you - I would've been replaced too if I'd been on your team."   
  
Semi considers this. What, I'm a projection of your life gone wrong? I'm you but without a starting position, without judgement nor glory, without the will to stop insomnia?  
  
"I'm a fucked up version of you." He accidentally says aloud. Oikawa stiffens for a beat.  
  
"Eita, why the hell would I think that?" He asks him eye-to-eye. "We have a lot in common." His eyes are aflame with something urgent. It ignites something in Semi's chest.  
  
"...And we don't need to share some fucking...disorder to be friends."   
  
The quakes in his body seem to gradually subside. Oikawa pulls him down with him to lay their heads on the pillow. Looking into his tear-stained face, Oikawa cups his cheek.   
  
"...So don't be afraid of getting better, okay?"  
  
The strong forces in his heart - sorrow, longing, all the worst parts of the worst feelings - built up to an intensity that burnt like a fire in the pit of his chest. It irradiates and glows from the lantern of his ribcage - God, he just loves Tooru so much. He leans in, realizing that the other's doing the same - the movement mutual. Their lips meet softly, and Eita almost sobs again. He grips on to the other as their mouths move.   
  
They take their time to part.  
  
"I want to get better," Eita breathes. "I don't know how."  
  
"I don't fully know either." Tooru pulls him in, holds him tight. "Let's just start by turning off the lights, and closing our eyes."  
  
Tooru's face is the last thing Eita sees before he slips into sleep - his hand in his, the last thing he feels.

* * *

  
  
The only thing connecting them was the suspension bridge of insomniac light between their windows.   
  
But when morning dawned and the night lights and street lamps flickered off, the rising sun diffused the darkness. Semi blinks slowly awake to see Oikawa's face looking into his.  
  
"I had a dream last night." Tooru says.  
  
"What did you dream about?"  
  
"I don't remember, except that it was the colour of your eyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't like, depict their problems fully disappearing because love doesn't cure our MI and disorders, so i just wanted an ending with the *hope* of recovery, if that makes sense ?  
> in projecting personal problems onto chars and then comforting those chars to soothe myself, it might've gotten too unrealistically saccharine / easily resolved sometimes, but i tried not to cross the line into romanticizing unhealthy shit. so yeah hopefully it wasnt too bad in that respect... 
> 
> leave a comment if you can, and thanks very much for reading! special thanks for being patient if u started ages ago in 2015/16 then picked it up again now ><
> 
>  
> 
> References:  
> 1) as said b4, the premise of an insomniac obsessing over and trying to out-compete his neighbour is based on the short story 'Duel' by Alfian  
> 2) chp titles from arctic monkeys lyrics in 'Fire and the Thud'  
> 3) 'burns like a fire in the pit of his chest' is a lyric from Mitchell's 'How Long?' also, p sure i read the line 'my dreams are the colour of your eyes' from somewhere else but i can't remember where ??  
> 4) characters belong to Furudate of course !


End file.
